Σ(all food) + Δdog = 0

(Sum of all food plus change in dog equals nothing)
by James Burdick

     This was to be a day unlike any other. To be perfectly honest, I spent most days lying on the couch, thinking about my personal take on the “equation of everything” and getting very close to some conclusions. I just didn’t have the necessary tools to express these ideas. I had all these wonderful concepts, but no way to express them.

     I tried many ways to get people’s attention. I hollered late into the night the day I realized that I had made a perfect model of physical existence. I called it, “The quantum state of being”. In other words, there is not a continuity of physical existence; its either there or it is not there. Just like my food bowl. It either has food for my hungry stomach, or it simply does not.

     I really tried to explain this, but every person I knew thought I was just hungry and gave me more food. Which I was more than happy to accept, but I didn’t see how this was going to get me any closer to a Nobel Prize. Then there was the day that I discovered the unique technique used by my nemesis, the cat.

     She also has a theory for the equation of everything, but she and I do not collaborate for reasons I will not go into detail here. She is always flirting with people to get their attention, and though this was repulsive to me (I think flirting is too syrupy) I tried it one day. I began stroking my head against one of my favorite people, and tried to imitate the purring noise that my rival had made the previous day. Unfortunately, this came out as a kind of growl, which did not produce desirable results. People simply got scared and left.

     I have a new plan. I will instead put on a public demonstration for my thesis in such a way as that a human being could understand. I will procure two bowls, one saved from the breakfast meal and hidden under the couch, and the other from my dinner. I will refuse to eat my dinner, and I will drag out the old bowl and place it at a close proximity to the aforementioned bowl. By not eating it, the human will certainly see that there is food in one bowl and no food in the other. Since I know one of them has taken physics, he will see my theory instantly and express it in words eloquently enough to get a Nobel Prize. The fact that I will not be at the ceremony does not concern me. I only seek to further the realms of science.

     The day of my public demonstration came. I had hidden the bowl from the morning under the couch, and was eagerly waiting for the night to come. Oh the hours! I imagined how it would be. The call from Stockholm, newspaper reporters, the fame, the impact on science! All the physics books would have to be rewritten, with my theory as the conclusion to every chapter. And what’s more, I would have another reason to say that dogs are inherently smarter than cats. That would be wonderful.

     As I was thinking on these glorious thoughts, I heard James, the physics student, rinsing out my second best bowl. I heard the delicious clatter of food dropping into the stainless steel dish, making the empty full. As I heard him slowly walk down the hall, my stomach rumbled. I ignored it the first time. And the second. And the third. As he put down the bowl, my tummy growled a tremendous growl. I felt myself overcome with the canine instinct to eat food that is put out. Every minute of not eating that delicious kibbles and bits was agony. I was sure that it must be worth it for the prize, but every minute the pang in my doggy inside was getting worse. I peered from above my bowl and looked at the quizzical look on James’ face. He said, “Why is your bowl out…I didn’t see it before…” He paused for a long moment. “It kind of reminds of something I learned in school…”

     The pause was quickly turning the pain in my puppy inside from agony to severe agony. I couldn’t stand it any more. Something inside me said eat, eat! I couldn’t withstand the temptation, and stuffed my puppy face. Just I was was nibbling the last kibble, the cat slinked around the corner and smiled the smile that only cats can smile. Oh, the irony!